Struggles slowly subdue
It took me almost 18 years to fully understand the concept of Love.
I’ve always had this feeling up emptiness and this feeling of worthlessness…like I’m not good enough for anyone, and I never will be. All I could think about was why can’t I just find some body that will love me? I see all of these people happily in a relationship and I’ve never really had that.I am so jealous of couples. I have had two boyfriends that I would say “count” and neither of those ended very well. A lot of scarring was done (those wounds have slowly healed). But Honestly. I feel like a loser. Like no body wants me. I would seriously go out of my way to talk to guys that I know I could never date just to get that fulfillment of THEY’RE HOT AND THEY’RE TALKING TO ME I MUST MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM and hoping that maybe eventually it will work. I have lowered my standards for so many guys because I was that desperate to feel loved and important to someone.
It wasn’t until recently(a few days ago) that I realized God has been doing me a huge favor by keeping those guys away from me. They aren’t good enough for me. They are not what I deserve. I deserve so much better than what I’m willing to settle for. This is less painful, and much more full-filling (if i open my eyes) than being with someone.
I’ve realized that relationships are a waste of time.
I’m not going to waste my time spending time with someone that isn’t the man I am going to marry. Instead I will spend my time with the man of my dreams-The only man that will forgive me regardless of how many times I let him down- Regardless of how many times I tell him I’m going to do something, and fail to do it. Regardless of how many times I’ve questioned his presence, or questioned why he’s doing what he’s doing. None of that matters to him, because I don’t hold him up, he holds me up.
there is no greater man to be totally in love with than a man that loves me regardless of my mistakes. He calls me lovely, and treats me like a princess. He is patient and kind with me. He is not envious, he is not angered by me, he died for ME. my sins were crossed out with his blood— there is no more record of my wrongs, he protects me. he is my only hope. He is the only one I trust, he keeps me going. Because he IS love.
I am in love with Jesus Christ and HE will be the man of my dreams until he is willing to give that position away to my husband.
