d00ditsmegg

im doing just fine

i praaaaaaaaaaaay that it stays this way.
I have a counseling appointment tonight.
Last time i saw her, was about a month ago, and that was the first time in 6 months. That’s good considering i was going 2 or 3 times a week everyy week.

I thought I didn’t need counseling anymore, but I’m really glad I went back.
“I can see clearly now the rain is gone”.
thats how i feel atleast. I’ve gotten all the crap out of my life. the rainstorm has stopped. but now im left with the aftermath that i’ve got to fix. all the flooding. and it’s good, cause i have been saved, and Jesus gives me courage to keep pushing.

 bring in the streetsweepers, this girls about to be changed.

p.s.
i get to see the cutest boy in the whole entire freaking world wednesday.
Yup! MATTT!!! :D!

todayyy

Was a good day :]
we were playing pictionary all 4th period.. until i had this bright idea of playing cherades, which was like 34902 times better.
tyler frederick was definitely my favorite.
trying to be a vase aint so easy :P
hahahahahaha

I was a goat.
and a scarecrow..
and a nun.
and something else but i can’t remember :[

and people guessed it EVERYTIME! im so good. :P

its a little discouraging

when i type these huge long sappy stories out… and my tumblarity remains below 20.

atleast i have a life.

As i sit alone reading my history book, begging the world to stop for just two seconds so I can focus, something I’ve found difficult to do lately, i feel puddles start to collect in the corners of my eyes. Moments later the words below me are cloudy and my hands are shaking. The world freezes. Something sharp. Anything sharp. Sharp is what I need. Beads of water plummet to the book sitting perfectly in my lap and I lose it. I don’t say a word to anyone. I sit alone with my eyes covered and my trail of scars tucked safely behind my grey sleeves. I keep my feelings hidden. I don’t say a word to anyone… Except for you.

You are the closest thing to me right now and that scares me beyond belief. I know what comes with me letting people in. Forcing them out.  I’ve allowed myself to become so attached to you because you surprisingly care about me. Two nights ago you told me how you feel about me, and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It wasn’t what I expected to hear. Those weren’t the vibes you were giving me. I felt so used by you, and you can’t blame me for that. I felt like that was my que to backoff, which now I realize i don’t think that’s what it was.. maybe you know that if I realize you like me my progress will end. I’ll become so consumed with the fact that this boy i like so much actually likes me back that that will be all that settles in my brain. Or maybe you really don’t like me like that.. i kind of look at it this way..what’s the point in even trying if i’ll just be let down?  I don’t know how to recoil without shutting off all forms of communication. I’m not satisfied with small talk, but i’d rather have that than nothing. You are one person that I need right now. No one has ever made me want to try so hard to patch up my torn seams.

I don’t know how to put things in a way that you understand. Part of that may be because I don’t fully understand. Things are the way they are. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let them stay that way. When I become discouraged, I forfeit. I give up on everything I do. But I refuse to give up on you. Now don’t give up on me.

As class goes on.. I realize not a single person had noticed that i was withdrawn from everyone else. I was of no importance.
Thoughts scurry through my mind. I’m at a sense of disbelief when I realize the lives of others proceed to move forward while i’m sitting here in a pool of self-sorrow trying breath by breath to just be okay. to just get through just 
one
more
day.

i know..

I know i’ll never mean half as much to you as you do to me.

and i’m not okay with that.
fjdakl.

these are fun.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
started to chase after God..

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t think so, but holy cowwww how much i changed!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Liz. i wish we would have been closer, but i didn’t forget about her.

5. What countries and/or states did you visit?
pennsylvania and maryland.. and everything between pa and rhode island.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Love. Self control. i’d like to get my self esteem back as well.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 9/11/09

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Stopping my bad behavior.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know..

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? swine flu!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
one dollar fart sludge from walmart!

12. What was the best thing someone gave you? A bestfriend. someone who cares.

13. Were you lucky in love or lucky in cards? i dont believe in luck.

14. Where did most of your money go? ugh, my hair.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? being able to drive..

16. What song will always remind you of 2009? i don’t know?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

• Happier? much.
• Older or wiser? Both.
• Thinner or fatter? FATTER :[
• Richer or poorer? poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Control my behavior.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? …smoked.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? with the people that love me.

21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? probably with my family :]

22. Did you fall in love in 2009? nope.

23. Did you fall out of love in 2009? i don’t believe i’ve been in love.

24. What was your favorite TV program? haha, house.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? i don’t hate anyone except for one person.

26. What was the best book you read? 13 reasons why

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? idk?

28. What did you want and get? probably lots of stuff but i don’t remember anythinggggg.

29. What did you want and not get? a car

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I DONT KNOW! i feel like i fail at this.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 16 and i had a bunch of pizza and hung out with cool people.. nothing spectacular but it was good enough for me.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? why fret about it?

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? i am no longer “scene”ish. hahah

34. What kept you sane? Jesus.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? please, no thanks.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? i honestly dont care.

37. Who did you miss? i missed a lot of people.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Everyone at church and Matt :]

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: I learned a lot. I learn something every day but.Your parents are always right, and even if you don’t agree with them do as they say because it’ll be better for you in the long run. Also, don’t tell anyone your every thought and everything about yourself, it’s overwhelming and scares them away.

40. Quote(s) or song lyric(s) that sums up your year: thats gay!

nothings worse

than being so close to grabbing what you want, only to find that your hands are tied.

I have come so close to letting go of what has been holding me back… but there are times when something this person does reminds me of a person from my past.

first,Matt.
If you’ve been following my posts, you know how much this boy means to me. Aside from being gentle and kind and caring etc. he just… radiates with absolute beauty. There are stories behind his words. Lessons to be learned. Things to be taken not so lightly. I like him because he challenges me to think. And without even trying or knowing it, he forces me to grow. Forces me to step outside of where I’m comfortable to grow. Everything he says is an open door, an opportunity, to being set free.. He is a son of God and he means so much more than I could ever explain to you. I try so hard to put the past in the past. I know that Matt has done nothing for me to ever doubt his trust. To ever not believe his words. But still, i sometimes do. It makes me sick to my stomach because he doesn’t deserve to be doubted when he has done nothing wrong, but I can’t figure out how to just be okay. To just believe there is good in people.

And then you come in Griffin.
You are the person responsible for my insanity and i hate you for that. I’ve tried to forgive you. Tried to be understanding. Tried everything imaginable to not blame you, but in the end… you carry the burden. You fed me lies. You smoothed everything over with your lies. Everything about you is a *!@#ing lie. Every whisper, every touch, every word was a lie. A show. A game. Is that what I was to you? a game? Score. You win Griffin. I wish I could make you feel what I feel. No matter how many times I fall, i get back up.. just to fall again. I’m not one to point fingers but I know, i know, that my head is #$^%ed because of you.

The important things that I’d like to remember, like how beautiful i am, and how great of a daughter, friend, i am.. i seem to forget.

And the things that i’d like to block out of my mind.. like how i’ve been abused, and how my brain has retrained itself to think in an unhealthy way that is getting me no where in life.. i can’t seem to tear from my memory.

I don’t want to continue to let my past keep me from letting this beautiful, beautiful boy near me. I want him to let me in, and I know he wouldn’t do it in a million years where I am right now.
Lord, I’m begging that you help me.
This is my time for change.
This is a time where i’ve been stronger than ever
And i thank you, person, for that.

does anyone

have any riddles? i like them.
they make my brain workkkk!

i like these :]

Here is a list of quirky personality traits! Bold what applies to you, strike what you can’t stand.

I always announce when I have to pee/use the bathroom.
I won’t eat my food if it touches a different food. [half true, it makes me mad]
I will not blow my nose in front of other people.
I put my feet up on everything.
I say hello to everyone I see. (if i know them)
I have a tendency to make everything awkward.
My mind always wanders to the “sexual” side of things.
I always follow things up with “That’s what she said!”
I’m too embarrassed to ask my friends/family for tampons.
I use chapstick/lip balm religiously.
I check my accounts online in order every time I get on the computer.
If I get up from the computer, even for a second, I put an away message up.
I’m always leaving my phone in random places.
I always keep on earbud out, in case someone needs to talk to me.
I mark off every day on the calendar.
I have the same routine everytime I take a shower.
I will not go out in public without makeup on.
Everything about my life is very neat. It has to be.
I make a to-do list every day, and I’m lost without it.
I always check my phone the second I wake up.
I have to pee before bed.
I laugh when I hear/see the number 69.
I yell “Burn!” when someone disses someone else (or I do).
I take off my shoes when I get inside the house.
I can’t stand silence. Especially when I drive.
I have to listen to something or I can’t fall asleep.
I have to have the TV on or I can’t fall asleep.
I don’t use public bathrooms.
I will NOT fart in front of anyone.
I will absolutely NOT fart in front of my boyfriend/girlfriend. atleast not for a while.
All my music on iTunes has to have album art.
Going a day without changing my underwear, NEVER, EVER happens.
I tend to skip showers frequently.
I count to 20 (seconds) when I wash my hands.
I’m always forgetting to take my pills.
I have panic attacks frequently.
The door(s) must be shut before I go to bed.
I’m always saying chat lingo out loud (example: “L-O-L” or “W-T-F”)
I swear way too much for my own good. and i dont even do it much.
I re-write (or type) all my notes.
Without thinking twice, I always correct spelling/grammar mistakes.
I go for weeks without checking my email.
I show up late to work all the time.
I number my surveys (in the title).
I number the questions on all my surveys.

one two three four.

Let me just start out by saying I.feel.so.so.so.bad right now.
I feel like i’m toying you around and one minute saying how much you mean to me and the next having a panic attack because you didn’t say what I wanted to hear. It kills me that I have already begun to push you away.and don’t tell me I haven’t because I know I have.  KILLS KILLS KILLS ME. I haven’t a clue why… but I can’t let you slip back out the way you came in. I willl not let you go. You are too beautiful of a person with such a good heart and I can’t just pass that up.

It hasn’t been long.. and I know it’s probably not healthy but I just can’t get enough of you. Not all of my feelings are good ones. I mean, i partially am clinging to you for comfort because you make me feel good but the underlying reason as to why I can’t get enough of you.. is because you, matthew, are so precious to me and i hold you near and dear to my heart. gentle and patient. loving and kind. morals. a brain. personality. you’re perfect.

The reason I’m doing all of these crazy things, is because I like you.
I don’t know what to do with myself. I guess it goes back to my demolished self esteem and I feel stupid for liking you. You have given me no reason to, you’ve done anything but alienate me, but I feel like you’re thinking ‘does this chick seriously think i’m going to spend my time like this? does she seriously think the fact that she likes me is going to change a thing? cause it’s not.’ and it just makes me feel like.. so stupid for even trying to talk to you. and that’s when i start to have doubts about my selfworth and i stumble backwards. I draw away. I put my wall back up.

I know you’re scared.
I know you’re still hurting.
and i understand that it’s hard for you to i guess.. allow your feelings to be exposed and i don’t hold that against you. I’m trying not to atleast. I’m trying to be understanding and keep reminding myself that this boy is scared. It’s not me, he’s just scared. But it’s hard to know what you’re thinking or how you feel about anything when you won’t tell me. I can’t see if you keep me blindfolded.

Don’t hold things against me either. I am trying like i have never tried before.
I’m trying for me, but I am also trying for you.
You make me want to be a better person. Something no one has ever done and that says a lot about you as a person.It screams that you care about me and my lifeee and what i do with it. It screams that you believe in me. You have faith in me, even if i don’t. Something i admire in a person. You are selfless and you just blow my mind.
God brought you into my life for a reason. Don’t abandon me like the rest of the world has.

i'm feeling quite..

I’m feeling quite helpless.
I would explain, but i don’t even have the words.

I want to be okay.
honestly, i don’t see that happening.
I can’t do this on my own.

note to self:

remain calm.
avoid conflict.
and have faith in people.

not all people are evil.
..but i’ve given a lot of people the benefit of the doubt just to be let down.

Jesus

Jesus loves me.
Why can’t you?

Blank.

I put up my wall and you find away to slip through the cracks.
I want you near me, you make me feel good. Important. Valuable. Special.
but the closer I get, the further you go.

Don’t leave.

I know what your intentions are.
To be my friend. To show me I’m settling for less than I deserve and to help guide me in the right direction. NOT to lead me on, or try to show me you care in the relationship kind of way, but as much as I hate to admit it, and as stupid as i feel saying it…I like you. I need you closer, but I’m scared of it, and quite honestly I think you’d like to keep your distance. No shock. Everyone keeps there distance.

but why, _ _ _ _ _ _ _?
I told you. The instant someone shows me they care, I lose all control over my feelings. Regardless, you are so special to me, and you always will be.

it's pretty rediculous

when my first like 2 pages are 20 posts by the same person.

What are you doing with your life?