I think it’s easy for us to get caught up in our lives and forget just how much our Father has done for us. How he scooped us up into the palm of his hand when we didn’t know love. When we didn’t know ourselves. Nothings the same once we’ve encountered the love of Jesus Christ. The love of Jesus Christ has no bounds, it has no limitations, it has no conditions. It lives forever, and it only grows stronger.
As I was deleting old documents on my laptop, I came across this. This is who I was.And if you know me now, personally know me, you know I am not that girl anymore.
it’s turned into nothing
I hate my friends.
I hate my teachers.
I hate the police.
I hate the homeless.
I hate the drug addicts.
I hate the innocent.
I hate the old.
I hate the young.
I hate the neighbors.
I hate the rich.
I hate the poor.
I hate myself.
Why am i so hateful?
one thing. Emotional exhaustion.
Im Fed up. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I can’t take anymore.
Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year.
It’s never-ending. There’s always something and my head, my heart, and my wrists have had enough.
Honestly, if the pills were there i’d take them.
Honestly, if the raizor was there, i’d cut them.
But theyre hidden from me, and i have no way of dealing with the everyday stress of being a teenager with depression and anxiety. A girl with no self esteem, no standing ground.
I’m not proud of myself, no.
I’m not proud that im killing my family and anyone else who cares about me
but i can’t help it.
I don’t know how to step back and take things one at a time.
Why don’t you stop megan? Why do you do this to yourself? Why are you doing this to your family? Why do you need the pills? Why do you cut? Why do you love him? Why are you crying? Why do you want to die? Why do you get so angry? Why aren’t you changing? Why do you keep doing this? Why aren’t your trying? Why don’t you love yourself? You’re beautiful, why can’t you see it?
stop questioning me. I don’t have the answers.
But i am trying, im trying really hard, and its a lot harder than it sounds.
Since i was four years old I’ve run away from my fears.
Away from my problems, away from my humiliation.
Away from the stress, away from the pain.
And thats all i know.
All i know is to cover it up with something else, walk away from it, just let it go.
and now im finding it hard to let go of anything.
I don’t like being told what to do.
I don’t like being told what to say.
I don’t like being told how to act.
I don’t like being told what is right.
I don’t like being corrected, or proved wrong.
It makes me angry, really angry.
I’m easily overwhelmed and worry a lot.
I’m done caring.
I’ve had enough.
My heart physically hurts and it’s not a good feeling.
You wouldnt understand until you’ve been through, or have felt how i feel.
This isnt an easy, nor smooth road.
It’s tough, life is tough, but im trying.
And im not getting very far.
I’m not getting very far YET.
But im moving forward, slowly.
slow and steady wins the race.
i’m so tired of pretending.
so there you have it all you judgemental little bitches.
judge me some more.
ridicule me some more.
make fun of me some more.
I HAVE A FUCKING PILL PROBLEM
im suicidal, and i hate myself.
get over it.
i used to care about things, now i take a pill for that.
i used to be able control my feelings, now i take a pill for that.
i use to know what to do with myself, now i take a pill for that.
i use to not care what people had to say, now i take a pill for that.
i used to belive in myeslf, now i dont.
I used to want to live my life, now i dont.
i used to make fun of “cutters” now i dont.
you dont understand something until you’ve experienced it.
You don’t change something until you can’t take anymore of it.
how will you know i’m hurting if you cannot see my pain?
to wear it on my body, tells what words cannot explain.
At this point in time, I had just gotten out of the hospital. It took 2 years of counseling for me ever let him go. And the cutting still had not stopped. My hatred for everyone continued, my self esteem remained at its lowest point, and the anxiety still drove me nuts. And then I was saved. And none of that mattered. Gradually I forgave him. I prayed for him rather than hoping he’d rot in jail and die for what he did to me.I was given a fresh slate, and I wish i could say i thank God every day for that, but I don’t. Maybe I should start.
thank you God, for taking me into your care and giving me the truest purest love there is. I love you.