d00ditsmegg

Boston.

When we’re together no words need to be spoken. i trace your lips with my fingertips, stare into your eyes and i know. you run your fingers up and down mine and your breath hits me like the winter’s wind. Still nothing is said, yet i know exactly what you’re thinking. exactly what you’re feeling. i know.
I know because I feel exactly the same.
In this moment i am lifted to a higher place.

A place where nothing in this dirty world matters. I feel no pain.I’m not mad at you for the past. The past is history and doesn’t mean a thing to me. All that matters is this very instant. For once, for the very first time, i am completely content with a person. One person. I cannot find one flaw, because in my eyes you are perfect. It’s so appealing to me. The fact that you turned your life around. it’s so appealing. All I’ve wanted for the past 4 years is for you to be healthy and happy. I have never been so proud of someone in my life. I know you’re a new person. As am I. I can’t wait for these 5 months to be over so we can start over. Fresh. With a brand new, clean slate in front of us. So we can do things the right way, and show the world that nothing can keep two people that genuinely love each other from falling in love.

It is then that i realize that i am in love with you.
and that you are in love with me.

and all of this takes place without saying one word.
to feel so much love without one word being spoken, but simply just being together is one of the most beautiful things i have experienced.

breakable girls and boys.

This isn’t the first time, and it most definitely will not be the last.
I’m not sure you know what it feels like to constantly be replaced, overridden, and shit on. not only by assholes, but your sister as well.

I spend so much time tweeking who i am and changing myself so someone in this world will give me the time of day and accept me. The instant you hear me talking about having interest in someone, you sweep in and steal them away from me like it’s nothing.everything i worked for means nothing. I change everything about myself to be accepted yet you don’t have to say a word and you instantly have them hooked. i’m sorry i’m not as skinny as you, and im sorry im not as pretty as you. what’s not fair is i probably care 10 times more about these people you’re sweeping out my life than you, yet i’m not given a a second of the day because you’re a distraction. Because you’re prettier. you’re skinnier. you’re better.

I honestly feel like the ugly stepsister no body wants to be around or deal with.I really, honestly, genuinely. have no idea what to do with myself at this point. i don’t know where to go from here.

The fact that you think it’s okay to let this happen, to allow me to go through this over and over again without thinking.. “hey, maybe i should let this guy know that i have no interest in him solely for the fact that it is tearing my sister apart”, hurts more than all of the above. It’s not about who it is. it’s not about how long i’ve known them, or even if i don’t know them at all and just was interested in getting to know them that is the issue. It’s the fact that you know that i have some kind of interest, and you know that i struggle with feeling like there’s always someone taking my place no matter what it is im doing.. and you still think its okay.
maybe you don’t like him.. how am i to now? your last two boyfriends(aside from trevor) were guys that i liked and you decided to then date…so what’s that say?

i just don’t get it.
im just tired of never being good enough. for anything. or anyone. and being replaced by the people closest to me.
good.night.

why yes.

you are every thing i want, because you are every thing i’m not

stilll.

I still feel as though i’ll never be good enough for ANYONE.
it’s not anyone has done, i believe.
I think i still just hate who i am.
the soul i possess, and the body that possesses my soul, even more.

until i’m okay with my body, i’ll never be okay.

Struggles slowly subdue

It took me almost 18 years to fully understand the concept of Love.

 
I’ve always had this feeling up emptiness and this feeling of worthlessness…like I’m not good enough for anyone, and I never will be. All I could think about was why can’t I just find some body that will love me? I see all of these people happily in a relationship and I’ve never really had that.I am so jealous of couples. I have had two boyfriends that I would say “count” and neither of those ended very well. A lot of scarring was done (those wounds have slowly healed). But Honestly. I feel like a loser. Like no body wants me. I would seriously go out of my way to talk to guys that I know I could never date just to get that fulfillment of THEY’RE HOT AND THEY’RE TALKING TO ME I MUST MEAN SOMETHING TO THEM and hoping that maybe eventually it will work. I have lowered my standards for so many guys because I was that desperate to feel loved and important to someone.

It wasn’t until recently(a few days ago) that I realized God has been doing me a huge favor by keeping those guys away from me. They aren’t good enough for me. They are not what I deserve. I deserve so much better than what I’m willing to settle for. This is less painful, and much more full-filling (if i open my eyes) than being with someone.
I’ve realized that relationships are a waste of time.
I’m not going to waste my time spending time with someone that isn’t the man I am going to marry. Instead I will spend my time with the man of my dreams-The only man that will forgive me regardless of how many times I let him down- Regardless of how many times I tell him I’m going to do something, and fail to do it. Regardless of how many times I’ve questioned his presence, or questioned why he’s doing what he’s doing. None of that matters to him, because I don’t hold him up, he holds me up.

there is no greater man to be totally in love with than a man that loves me regardless of my mistakes. He calls me lovely, and treats me like a princess. He is patient and kind with me. He is not envious, he is not angered by me, he died for ME. my sins were crossed out with his blood— there is no more record of my wrongs, he protects me. he is my only hope. He is the only one I trust, he keeps me going. Because he IS love.

I am in love with Jesus Christ and HE will be the man of my dreams until he is willing to give that position away to my husband.

Where am i?

Things have been happening so quickly and I’ve been slipping between the cracks that I didn’t even know existed. It feels like no matter how hard I try to be a good person, a good friend, a daughter of God, it doesn’t matter.  Nothings matters to anyone. So what’s the point? Sometimes I wished I wasn’t a caring person. Some people have to force themselves to care, but I just do. I can’t just NOT care. I to this day still care about the biggest jerk I have ever met in my life. The boy that caused me the most pain. I still wish the best for him, and if the opportunity presented itself, i’d still be his friend. People don’t understand me. I get told that I don’t deserve what I’m getting dished by the people I care most about, and I know I don’t deserve to be treated poorly, but I’m a selfless person, and sometimes I just don’t care about what happens to me, if it means it will benefit someone else. But it still hurts. It still feels like I’m being walked over, but i NEED to help people. I don’t know why. I don’t know. But I get so attached on a deeper level than most people would want me to, and I guess that scares them. I really. have NO idea. But it hurts me that people can be so selfish and my feelings don’t matter to them.

I don’t know how to detach myself. I don’t know how to stop caring about a person when it’s time to. Or how to give them space. I can’t end on bad terms, and that makes me “Crazy.”

i’m so confused.

torn lace.

As I sit here desperately trying to fit these pegs into the peg holes called life I realize they’ll never fit. There will always be something stopping me from completing the puzzle. something guarding the hole, a broken peg maybe… or perhaps tied hands.

Why is it that every.single.time I get close to someone (a boy), they never stick around. Not only do they not stick around, but they refuse to tell me what changed. What I did wrong, did I do something wrong? Is it me? Is it you? I can’t just accept the fact—I’m sorry; So don’t tell me to. I need to know why. Some sort of explanation.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
but it always happens. and i mean always. There isn’t a single fella that stops talking to me randomly. Without warning.. Without any signs. It just happens. Out of no where and it really honestly kills me. Nothings worse than not knowing where you stand in a relationship with someone. There are so many instances where I dust off my resuscitators and try to bring a dead relationship back to life. It seems like I’m always the only one putting forth any effort and I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for someone to just see me as a beautiful individual that has a lot to offer and appreciate who I am. This isn’t a joke anymore and it’s not “no big deal” anymore. It kills me. I’ve grown so much and it STILL doesn’t matter. I don’t get why I’ve been battered around so much and tossed to and fro and fooled with and broken. I care about people so much. so.freaking.much. If you know me, you know that’s true. And all I want for anyone is happiness, but i’m at my breaking point and I need someone to to care about MY happiness for once. And I mean genuinely care. Seek to it that I truly am happy. Because right now I’m not.

So what happens when I run out of pegs?

I’ve got to say

I’ve got to say, I’m feeling more lost than ever at this point.
Things just aren’t making sense and my desperation for being loved is settling back in.

I never overcame.
I guess I was trying, but I built up a wall instead of dealing with the problem. And now my wall’s crumbling and i’m faced with the problem again. There it is, staring me in the face.

Words don’t ever get a point across. 

i sometimes forget

I think it’s easy for us to get caught up in our lives and forget just how much our Father has done for us. How he scooped us up into the palm of his hand when we didn’t know love. When we didn’t know ourselves. Nothings the same once we’ve encountered the love of Jesus Christ. The love of Jesus Christ has no bounds, it has no limitations, it has no conditions. It lives forever, and it only grows stronger.

As I was deleting old documents on my laptop, I came across this. This is who I was.And if you know me now, personally know me, you know I am not that girl anymore.

it’s turned into nothing
I hate my friends.
I hate my teachers.
I hate the police.
I hate the homeless.
I hate the drug addicts.
I hate the innocent.
I hate the old.
I hate the young.
I hate the neighbors.
I hate the rich.
I hate the poor.
I hate myself.
Why am i so hateful?
one thing. Emotional exhaustion.
Im Fed up. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I can’t take anymore.

   
Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, month after month, year after year.
It’s never-ending. There’s always something and my head, my heart, and my wrists have had enough.
Honestly, if the pills were there i’d take them.
Honestly, if the raizor was there, i’d cut them.
But theyre hidden from me, and i have no way of dealing with the everyday stress of being a teenager with depression and anxiety. A girl with no self esteem, no standing ground.
I’m not proud of myself, no.
I’m not proud that im killing my family and anyone else who cares about me
but i can’t help it.
I don’t know how to step back and take things one at a time.
Why don’t you stop megan? Why do you do this to yourself? Why are you doing this to your family? Why do you need the pills? Why do you cut? Why do you love him? Why are you crying? Why do you want to die? Why do you get so angry? Why aren’t you changing? Why do you keep doing this? Why aren’t your trying? Why don’t you love yourself? You’re beautiful, why can’t you see it?
stop questioning me. I don’t have the answers.
But i am trying, im trying really hard, and its a lot harder than it sounds.

Since i was four years old I’ve run away from my fears.
Away from my problems, away from my humiliation.
Away from the stress, away from the pain.
And thats all i know.
All i know is to cover it up with something else, walk away from it, just let it go.
and now im finding it hard to let go of anything.    
I don’t like being told what to do.
I don’t like being told what to say.
I don’t like being told how to act.
I don’t like being told what is right.
I don’t like being corrected, or proved wrong.
It makes me angry, really angry.
I’m easily overwhelmed and worry a lot.
I’m done caring.
I’ve had enough.
My heart physically hurts and it’s not a good feeling.
You wouldnt understand until you’ve been through, or have felt how i feel.
This isnt an easy, nor smooth road.
It’s tough, life is tough, but im trying.
And im not getting very far.
I’m not getting very far YET.
But im moving forward, slowly.

slow and steady wins the race.

i’m so tired of pretending.

so there you have it all you judgemental little bitches.
judge me some more.
ridicule me some more.
make fun of me some more.
I HAVE A FUCKING PILL PROBLEM
im suicidal, and i hate myself.
get over it.
i used to care about things, now i take a pill for that.
i used to be able control my feelings, now i take a pill for that.
i use to know what to do with myself, now i take a pill for that.
i use to not care what people had to say, now i take a pill for that.
i used to belive in myeslf, now i dont.
I used to want to live my life, now i dont.
i used to make fun of “cutters” now i dont.
you dont understand something until you’ve experienced it.
You don’t change something until you can’t take anymore of it.

how will you know i’m hurting if you cannot see my pain?
to wear it on my body, tells what words cannot explain.

At this point in time, I had just gotten out of the hospital. It took 2 years of counseling for me ever let him go. And the cutting still had not stopped. My hatred for everyone continued, my self esteem remained at its lowest point, and  the anxiety still drove me nuts. And then I was saved. And none of that mattered. Gradually I forgave him. I prayed for him rather than hoping he’d rot in jail and die for what he did to me.I was given a fresh slate, and I wish i could say i thank God every day for that, but I don’t. Maybe I should start.

thank you God, for taking me into your care and giving me the truest purest love there is. I love you.

Why the FUHK do i settle for such stupid people.

When will I ever get it?
Probably never. i seriously want to rip out my brain

Sliding backwards.

This sucks.
I’ve been missing my party days a lot lately.

I just wanna have fun.. but not at the price of losing my Jesus.
Torn.

God’s people

are my people.
I don’t hang out with non believers BECAUSE they’re nonbelievers.

I do it because they aren’t healthy for me to be around.
Without something to live for, what DO you live for?

All I want is a place in this world.
but even that, I cannot have.

Everythings a fight.
Nothing comes easily, nothing moves smoothly.

And to be honest, I am sick.of.it.

Again.

It’s really no big deal, honestly.
so why does it hurt so bad?

thoughts-of-grace asked: Oh Megan I just read your post. Congratulations on your milestone in your walk with God. You have quite the heartbreaking story but I believe He will use that to help others like yourself, if you let Him. Remember everything you've been through has made you the way you are and you're beautiful inside and out. I love your soul (: Let me know if you need anything, prayer, a Bible verse, or just to talk.
Your sister in Christ,
Grace

Thank you! :]

I believe he will use it to reach others as well.

i can’t wait to finddd out what my calling is! ahha.
Love you!